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Writer's pictureAnne Young

Is Self-Improvement Toxic? The Pitfalls of the "Self-Improvement" Spouse

Updated: Jul 19


Woman Reading a Book and Journaling

What we will cover:


"A day without learning is like a day without sunshine."


Do you have a natural tendency to always want to push things forward? Do you constantly read, listen to podcasts, or watch YouTube videos on personal development? Is it hard for you to leave "well enough" alone because it could always be better? Are you always looking for ways to improve? And.... do you often wish your spouse was like this too?


I know I do, and if you do too, you may be the self-improvement spouse.


You may have a compulsive desire to grow and to improve... everything.


  • Your personal knowledge

  • Your marriage

  • Your health

  • Your home

  • More


This way of living disguises itself as a good thing, and often times, it is. What could possibly be the downside of growth?


I mean, "Readers are leaders." And, "Notetakers are history-makers." Am I right?


However, there are personal downsides when you feel you need to constantly grow, and it can have an eroding effect in your marriage.


Let's explore a few of the pitfalls:


Self-Improvement Spouses Can Begin to See Their Partner As Uncaring


When you value self-improvement and your spouse does not feel or see the same need to be constantly improving or working on your relationship, or themselves, you can start to believe it is because they don't care about you and the relationship as much as you do.


You think you are "in" and somehow, they are out. You care, and they don't.


However, they likely care about the relationship as much as you do, even if they express it differently.


One problem here: The more you perceive your partner as uncaring, over time, the less they will care.


Here's why: As you begin to think of them as uncaring, you will begin to treat them as if they are uncaring. As you treat them this way, eventually this will lead to distance, frustration, hurt, resentment, and anger.


And if you do that long enough? They will begin to not care.


It is a self-fulfilling cycle.


Not every spouse will respond to being perceived as uncaring this way. However, no matter what, a spouse who does care will not like being seen as someone who doesn't.


When you are tempted to think this way due to your growth-oriented nature, it may be best to weigh this thought against questions like these:

  • Does my spouse demonstrate they care in different ways than I do?

  • How are they showing that they care about me and our relationship?

  • Where are they growing as a person that I may not be noticing?


Self-Improvement Spouses Can Become Judgmental or Simply Come Off That Way


Piggy-backing off the point above, if you begin to see your spouse as uncaring, (when they likely do care), this is a judgment based on an assumption.


Let's begin with how the self-improvement spouses can actually become judgmental. I will share what this has looked like for me:


  1. I did not respect my husband's process as much as my own.

  2. I did not respect my husband's opinion as much as my own.


These are only two among a list of probably more, but let's dig into these two a tiny bit.


I did not respect my husband's process as much as my own.


My husband is a common-sense kind of guy. He is incredibly intelligent with a Master's Degree, but since he did not regularly practice my version of personal development, I began to think his way of coming to conclusions was lacking.


I did not respect my husband's opinion as much as my own.


Explaining a little more, I did not respect his opinion and process as much as my own because it felt too simple and uninformed. You can actually make important decisions without reading books about it or listening to podcasts on it? That did not exist in my reality.


To go even farther into assumption-world, this assumed that he hadn't read books in the past. I was judging based on this moment, but I did not account for every book he read during his degree.




Okay, now let's move on to how self-improvement spouses can be perceived as judgmental when that is not the total truth.


When you pair up a couple, (one with an insatiable desire to grow and the other who does not feel this need), the unintentional message can become: "You are not doing enough. You are not enough."


Because at times to the "grower", there is no amount of growth that really does feel like enough.


It is a lifelong pursuit for the joy of it (possibly with some dashes of perfectionism) and truly, the growth-oriented spouse is not making the judgment that their spouse "isn't enough", but it is an unintentional message.


To the growth-oriented spouse, growing feels like playing. It was never the heart or intention of the grower to pass judgment on their spouse for not being enough or doing enough. The true desire was to share the joy of growing with them.


So, whether you, as the growth-oriented spouse, are actually becoming judgmental or being perceived that way (or maybe a mix of both), this is something to keep in mind. You may come off to others in a way you don't want to, or a way you're not even aware of.


Having this awareness, you can adjust, explain, and communicate so this gift of yours does not become hurtful to those you are around.


Self-Improvement Spouses Can Be Tricked into Thinking They Are Farther Along in Their Personal Development Than They Actually Are


How can a spouse begin to think they are farther than they actually are? Here is one way this can happen:


Reality exists outside of us in the world. But ponder this: How we experience reality is just an interpretation of it in our mind. So, to each and every one of us, what our minds are filled with is how we will interpret reality.


So, what this has looked like personally is: When my mind is so full of podcast episodes, books I am reading, and my philosophical musings, I interpret myself through what my mind is filled with. What my mind is filled with feels very real.


While I can tell you the principles up and down about communication or listening, I have to take an honest reflective step back to ask myself, "Am I really doing them?"


Knowing about self-improvement and personal development is not the same thing as applying it.


I think many of us know this, but if you are like me, you can become unintentionally detached from what is reality when you have a busy, busy mind.


Instead of Viewing It as Your Strength, You View It As Other’s Weakness


As a Christian, I believe in God-given gifts. I believe we all have some of them, but not all of them. Being growth-oriented is a gift.


If you have ever read and taken the Strength Finders assessment, you would see that there are specific strengths that are related to being growth-oriented like: Learner, Developer, or Input. Our gifts are in our wiring, and they are not something that we choose, but rather are something we are given from God.


However, when we forget this truth, we can begin to think others are intentionally choosing not to be this way. They are intentionally choosing not to grow.


Others do not want to put in the effort. Others do not like growing. Others do not like change, or their heart is in the wrong place.


When we begin to make these judgments, we have forgotten this is a gift. And gifts are meant to serve.


This is one way we can be rendered ineffective in our gift, because by judging, we get sidetracked from actually helping.


So, Is Self-Improvement Toxic?


To go back to the original question - "Is self-improvement toxic?" - my conditional answer is: no.


But, what can be our greatest strengths can also be our greatest weaknesses. The greatest enemy in our gift of personal development is pride. It is a gift we haven't earned, so we should humble ourselves. We can respect the gift, and even love the gift, but it becomes pride when we inflate our self-importance because of the gift. Pride judges others for not having the same gift. Pride assumes others do not care the way we do.


If we can pursue personal development with humility, it is admirable. It serves those around us and our spouse.


We will touch more on those strengths here soon.


the author of the blog smiling

Do you want to improve how you interpret your spouse?


Try our "Story" exercise here. This exercise is designed to help you clearly separate your interpretation of reality and what is actually happening. The goal is to help you see your spouse and others for who they actually are.


Would you like to increase your self-awareness?




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